Life Decisions After Surgery

I took a friend to have day surgery this week. The staff was very friendly and they gave my friend “happy juice” during her surgery, so that when it was over she was actually in a good mood, with no idea when the “happy juice” would wear off.

They had her go over the post-operation information sheet while I was there, which had some warnings on it such as not to make any important life decisions during the next 24 hours, when she was under the influence of the anesthesia.

As I drove her home, she seemed excited about making some major life changes after the surgery, so I’m writing this as a reminder to folks who have just had day surgery that it’s important to resist the urge to:

1. Sell everything you own and give the proceeds to your favorite charity, Wal Mart

2.     Break that 20 year vegetarian diet you’ve been on by eating steak, goat, lamb, rabbit, alligator, turtle, venison, and lobster, all mashed together on a piece of bread.

3.     Take this as an opportunity to try out your new exercise plan, “Skydive-weight lifting”

4.     Get a tattoo that says, “I just got day surgery and all I have to show for it is this lousy tattoo.”

5.     Decide that this is the perfect time for you to paint yourself red and run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain

6.     Call up your friends to set up a game of “taser tag”

7.     Combine your two favorite hobbies of covering yourself with massage oils and going rock-climbing

8.     Invest all your savings into Silly Putty

9.     Rewrite your will, leaving all your money to “Bullwinkle”

for at least 24 hours….after that maybe consider the life changes a little more seriously…

Census Test

At the Census job fair, you have to take a test to see if you are likely to be a good Census worker. Being a Census worker involves knocking on people's doors and asking them questions like "How many people live in your house?" and "How old are they?" Here are some questions from the test (or maybe I just imagined these ones because I was delirious from a stomach virus when I took the test. Lisa said her questions were more boring, like "What is 3.45 multiplied by 6.56?") :


If someone comes to the door offering you some cocaine, you should:
A)    Run
B)    Do the cocaine with them
C)    Hit them over the head with the Census, steal the cocaine, and do it yourself
D)    Take the cocaine and share it with the people at the Census headquarters


If a hot housewife comes to the door naked, you should:
A)    Come in and say, “Let’s party!”
B)    Scream and run away
C)    Make a video of her Census interview and put it up on YouTube
D)    Recruit her to work for the Census


If someone opens the door who has a gun:
A)    Take the gun, thank them and leave
B)    Throw the Census at them and run away
C)    Offer them the Coke
D)    Yell, “Don’t shoot me! I work for the Census!”


If a kid opens the door and says that he is from Mars, makes 5 Billion Martian Dollars a year and lives in the house with five clones of himself and Lady Gaga:
A)    Mark this information down on his Census form
B)    Run and call the Pentagon and NASA
C)    Say, “We come in Peace!”
D)    Ask to talk to Lady Gaga


If you come to the house of someone who used to steal your milk money in elementary school:
A)    Proceed to do your census interview as if you don't recognize them
B)    Hit them over the head with the Census and steal some milk from their fridge and a few dollars from their wallet
C)    Report them as a terrorist
D)    Hand over your wallet so they can buy some milk


If you come to a house that has twenty people sleeping on the floor, but the person at the door claims only two people live there:
A)    Assume this is a hip new summer camp and send your kids there
B)    Come every Tuesday night to this “commune’s” potluck
C)    Talk about how you loved the book Dianetics
D)    Say, “I know these people are illegal immigrants, but I won’t say anything if you give me a dollar."


If the door is answered by someone’s pet husky:
A)    Proceed to ask the husky the questions
B)    Take the husky down to the station for further questioning
C)    Tape the Census to the dog with a note reminding the family of the importance of completing the Census.
D)    Ask the dog to take you to its leader


If nobody is home:
A)    Break into the house, eat some Doritos and Dum Dums, and watch Judge Judy until they get back
B)    Go inside and leave the Census on their dining room table, held in place by a knife
C)    Tape the Census to their cat
D)    Make something up on their form and submit it yourself


If an older man comes to the door naked:
A)    Ignore this fact and complete the Census
B)    Cover the offending area with an extra Census form and complete the Census
C)    Say, “Nice pubes!” and complete the Census
D)    Bring him to the Census Headquarters to complete the interview with some of our more experienced staff


If someone attempts to rob you while completing their Census interview:
A)    Give them your wallet in exchange for them completing the interview
B)    Give them the Census instead, and ask them to fill it out themselves, and send it in at their own convenience
C)    Ask them if they would like to work for the Census
D)    Fill out the form for them, stating their occupation as thief


If during the interview someone offers you food:
A)    Say, “Bribery will not influence this Census interview.”
B)    Get whatever food you can and bring it back to Census Headquarters
C)    Take it back to the Census forensics lab to make sure it’s not poisoned and then leave it for the “new” Census workers
D)    Eat the food, then regurgitate it and feed it to a penguin


If someone offers you a drink while conducting the interview:
A)    Give them the glass, and take the bottle, and leave
B)    Fill in the form for them stating the heads of household as Jack Daniels and Jim Beam
C)    Say, “Don’t touch the stuff… do you got any cocaine?”
D)    Get wasted and finish your Census route as drunk as a skunk.